The disappointment in not being sponsored

Warning, this post is a bit of a ramble!

So I have been living in London for the last year and a half, I made this place my home, I made real friends and had a real job, but it was not real life, in terms of deep down I knew I would have to leave eventually. I was on the Youth Visa which was only for 2 years.

Travel can be lonely, I knew it from my first few weeks away from home, when you don’t have anyone to talk to or any friends, when your not clicking with anyone its lonely. But at the same time, in time you meet amazing people who share your passions and sense of life, you meet people with different upbringings, life experiences and befriend them as if they were someone you grew up with in high school. like I mentioned, when im upset I write a lot – Its with this realisation that I find myself writing in my notepad the following:

It had just started to hit me… the realisation that I have to go home. that people miss me back home. that I miss my dog back home. That home is my home. That legally I can’t stay and its going to be a big pain in the ass to become an illegal alien and hide from the law like I was hoping to.

I exaggerate a bit, but give me a break, I was upset. Why am I dreading it so much? I thought. Cause I love London, cause I love city life
I can move out of home and live in Sydney city…
But the friends I made here…
But the life I made…
Its a temporary life isn’t it (I knew that from day 1)….

Then I get angry
Well what the fuck was the point then????!!! why can I not stay longer!

But do I even want a permanent life?
But what about travel!! That was the main purpose…

Oh god im going to miss London!

Why do I want to cry? I knew it would be like this, perhaps I had my hopes up on something that I knew would be impossible.
But its all in fate right? I know that… I anticipated that!

I cried! I poured my eyes out and I didn’t stop all night. This realisation that I had to leave London, this home of mine for 2 years, was now somewhere I would only ever just visit. I had been in the hopes that work would be able to sponsor me, they tried, ill give them that.

A drunk emotional, disappointed mess = me!

I was at work during “wine & design time” (Basically at 4.30pm on Friday they pull out the goon wine, beer and chips/crisps and thats the moment my colleagues know not to ask me to deal with customers).

My boss calls me into the room and basically lets me down lightly that it was not possible to keep me on past March (4 months away) (or that I could try and contact a lawyer but it would be hard) I tried to hide my emotions. My heart sunk at the dreaded moment that if I’m being honest with myself, I thought might happen anyway.

But why boss! Why tell me in the middle of wine & design time. I got back to my desk and one of my closer work mates had asked me a random question, I got teary and knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it in.

I called her outside and balled my eyes out – maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the situation of disapointment and realisation that my party was over.

5pm hits and we were all planning on having a few drinks before heading to one of the work colleagues gigs Molly Wagger and needless to say the more free work wine I drunk (backpackers budget) the more emotional I got.

To be honest, when I asked work to sponsor me I knew it would be hard and I would need a back up. So I kept myself level and said to myself that if it didn’t work out that it was fate. After all staying in London would mean basing myself here and most of my travel would be in Europe – my moving back to Australia perhaps it would force me to try other areas, Asia, Pacific islands, more of Australia even. I also knew my liver could not take much more of the UK’s drinking culture and the horrible pay. So I told myself if I could stay I would, but if not I would not be upset – I would move on.

The next morning

After all the tears and drunk emotionalness had left me I came to my sense’s and realised it was for the best. all the advice of thoses around me soaking up my tears on their sleves that night came to mind.

“its not like im going to the worst country in the world” said one
“Really did you want to stay in this job anyway? your much better then this (not to glote)” said another
Even the advice of my flat mate sunk into my head “The problem is if you get sponsored you will be stuck here, stuck in London’s awesome party lifestyle, you will work and party and that will be it… you will stop expanding, stop growing and stop traveling, and to be honest, when she told me this even before hand I had known this “being on a “working holiday” I guess I was confused as too whether London was a holiday or home and home is when I work and holiday is where I play.

Ask anyone, London sucks you in!

But why was I so upset?

One of the girls at work had said, “I guess when you live in a country for so long you get stuck and start to feel its home rather then a holiday or just fun right?” and well… yeh, she was right. thats what was happening. The problem with this is that I made a permaneant home and was being forced to leave it. There was no option. If I was given the choice, I think I would of stayed maybe another year and left, or maybe left when I did, but being forced to leave, not having a choice, this was upsetting.

Its funny to think when I started my journey and think of its struggles in starting up and now its a struggle to leave. Life really is a roller coaster.

so its out of London for me and on to newer and bigger, perhaps even better pastures.In the end “The World is my Oyster!” :-)

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